My grandmother, while visiting recently, told me that one of these days I'm going to have to cut my hair. "Yeah," I thought, "when I need chemotherapy".

You might be thinking that it's just those old people that talk about having to cut your hair. You would be wrong. Not only do males with hair as long as their sisters' have to put up with seniors putting them down, but they have the pleasure of deflecting flack from those seniors' offspring. In fact, at local pubs people younger than me sneeringly tell me to cut my hair. Are they trying to sound like my grandmother? Looks like longhair trashing is a game for all ages.

This game invites many, many questions, such as "why must one cut one's hair?" To look clean? Cover girls don't look very dirty to me. Maybe it's to show that you have good grooming habits, although taking a pair of scissors to your head seems like paltry grooming-labour compared to combing, washing, conditioning, blow-drying, and trimming. Is it to show that you know your gender, or to show respect? That must be it, because Jesus and Samson were such girlie jerks. Or maybe it's to prove that you have no affiliation with such people as KISS or Twisted Sister, because it's so much better to be associated with Limp Bizkit or Deftones (ask around if you don't know these short-haired bands). Haircuts must help to get a job. I mean, when you combine long hair with a Y-chromosome the inevitable result is total illiteracy, right?

Even more stimulating is the attempt to answer "Why can females have long hair, or short hair?" Well, it's because they're female, and they don't matter as much, right? Sexist pig. Well, why would a self-respecting male want to do something that women do, anyway? Like, say, cook, sew, dance, sing, or write? I don't know, why not? No, this hair-sexism is just not acceptable.

Here's a good one for those critical of men with hair beyond a certain length: "Why must you criticize men with hair?" Perhaps because your parents do. So, you want to be like your parents? Fine, you go hard. Is it because you're trying to help people out by letting them know that hair just makes their lives more difficult? Only because people like you make it difficult. It would probably be more helpful if you said something nice—that usually makes everyone feel good and makes the world a better place. The best thing is that half the people who make these comments used to receive them themselves. Check out some old yearbooks. At least these days the feathered look is out.

Let's face it, there isn't anything wrong with long hair. There are longhaired males who don't drink, do drugs, or smoke. So when you think about it, it seems that short-haired men who smoke are more harmful to you than some longhairs. These longhairs are infiltrating several important institutions. One might even be teaching your children, performing administrative duties at your local hospital, or writing in your favourite newspaper. Long-haired males can be intelligent, constructive, and kind. They can also be stupid, destructive, and cruel. But, surprise surprise, the same applies to people with short hair. And people with brown eyes. And tall people.

Next time you're at a bar, on the street, or at school, and you cut someone down for having long hair, or for wearing the wrong clothes, or for anything at all, stop and ask yourself who you're trying to impress. Who are you actually impressing? Ask yourself what your victim has done wrong, really. Ask yourself how your behaviour contributes to a positive, healthy environment for everyone else. And ask yourself if you're perfect enough to be throwing stones.

The bottom line is that I'll be just fine with my long hair. Thanks anyway.