Have you ever seen anyone walking around proudly wearing a shirt that says "Some Guy I Don't Know But Who Must Be Worth Giving Obscene Amounts of Money to Because Everyone is Doing it"? I have. Except the stupid slogan was shortened to two words: "Tommy Hilfiger".

Brand name fever has never gripped our collective psyche as intensely as it is right now. People are fighting to be first in line to empty their wallets into some guy's hands just so that they can be special enough to wear his name on their chest (or head, or feet, or whatever else good ol' Tom has been able to get his name on). Anyone who thinks that Tommy is a really smart guy because he's making unholy amounts of money for doing something relatively unoriginal has got to give the same credit to Marilyn Manson. They're both impressive capitalists—making tons of cash by simply riding their names. But Marilyn Manson is more interesting.

We all know why (or tell ourselves we know why) people give Manson their money. It's the shock value of his act. But the only thing shocking about Tommy Hilfiger is how phenomenally boring his clothing is. Him getting rich is way more nuts than Marilyn Manson getting rich. Like, is it really that cool to blow two paycheques on one or two garments that are only noteworthy because they cost two paycheques? That doesn't make you cool. That makes you a sucker. Tommy is laughing all the way to the bank. Actually, in this extreme case, it wouldn't surprise me if he's crawling because he's laughing so hard. Marilyn Manson may fit exactly the same description, but at least he gives us something to talk about.

Of course, this obsessive need to throw fat wads of scratch at totally dull clothing is not new. Tommy is only surpassing his forefathers: Gap, Club Monaco, Donna Karan, the list goes on and on. So why does this go on? Is there a certain genetic code that is prone to being brainwashed into handing over huge dollar amounts for nothing? I'd rather play a VLT. Same thing really, but with that elusive possibility of actually getting something back.

No, brand name delirium is not genetic. It is spiritual. People need something to believe in. God is dead (except for the intensely imaginative). Patriotism is old and stale. Family is cold and distant. Sex is Russian Roulette. Unless you are lucky enough to have the ability to live for your religion, country, family, friends, career, art, chesterfield, or whatever else you can dream up, you're not left with much these days. So hey, might as well parade around wearing totally bland clothing that will attract attention to you for the only reason that you would want attention: because you have money. Well, had money, before you blew it all on those clothes.

Brand names have been replacing all that is truly important for quite a while now, and not just in clothing. Now, instead of showing the world that love works and that we all have something to offer to our community, people show the world that they have no idea what to do with their money. "You like Pepsi?! What-EV-er!" Like, get a grip. It's gassy sugar water. Get over it.

Brand names like Tommy Hilfiger certainly show that the American Dream is still very alive. "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" ... Oh wait, we're in Canada.