Fuck That, II (2000)
So this girl calls me up and tells
me about this guy she talks to regularly in another city. I've been talking to
this girl for a while now. I dug her at first. But now I'm not so into it. I'm
not an asshole. Fuck that. I just don't want to date her. Whatever. She talks
about this guy a lot. It's some guy she dated, but then she moved outta the city
they were in. He comes to visit now and then, but nothing "happens".
Still, they talk on the phone. The thing is, she always refers to him by a mean
insult. And it's always the same name. Like "jerkoff" or "scumbag"
or something. So, why does she talk to him? She just casually uses this epithet
to talk about him, like it's his name."Yeah, I was just on the other line
with shithead" or "Fuckface says he wants to visit next weekend."
What the fuck? How can one do that? If you like someone, you don't call them by
an evil name. And if you don't like someone, you don't talk to them. Have you
noticed that lots of chicks do this? Like, all of them? Weird. Scary. I mean,
I'm probably some chick's "limp dick". In fact, I know I am. But hey,
she was like a corpse. I mean, really. Fuck, I don't call my ex-girlfriends by
harsh handles, let alone girls I still talk to. Well, there's one girl who has
a name, but she was wack crazy, and I don't talk to her anymore, or even about
her, for that matter. Man, if you don't like someone, just forget them. Why bother
constantly talking about someone who supposedly doesn't matter? What a waste of
time. Breath. Karma. Whatever. Still, chicks are rad.
You know what bugs me? People who complain about people who do stupid shit.
I mean, it's fun to read, cuz then you're reading it and you're like "Yeah,
fuck, I know all ABOUT that, man," and you laugh and its all good. But I
mean, stupid people are boring, unless they're funny, and they're usually just
had-to-be-there funny. So what's the point? Like it makes you sophisticated to
point out that you would never do the stupid shit you talk about other people
doing. "Man, I was on the bus, and this chick just wouldn't shut up! Like,
fuck, who cares about this bitch's ex-boyfriend? I hate it when people bitch about
their love-lives on the bus. It's so white trash. Like, get some class. Fuck.
Man, I got the new Getoh Boyzz cd. Rad." I bet people like that bitch like
that on the bus. "Why do people drive so slow? Hey, gramps, get a bus pass!
Pick it up! Fuck, get those people off the road. Hey, turn up the bass."
"Fuck, I wish this chick would stop calling me. She's got a nice ass, but
damn is she stupid. She can't talk at all. She's all blabbering about some fucking
movie and I'm like whatever. So now she's all calling me cuz I'm the first smart
guy she ever fucked. Damn. She needs some faggot guy. Like that guy at that store
with the nail polish. What a faggot. Makes me sick. Did you see how she flirted
with him? I should kick his faggot ass. Yeah. Recognize. Dogg."
I love people who spell "the" like "tha". No, I hate that.
I hate it because it's stupid. I want the world to be smart. I want to walk around
all day believing that everyone in my environment is smart. I'm surrounded by
intelligent stimulating people who are not mindless drones controlled by people
who want to suck all the life out the world and turn it into ugly fake tits on
billboards. "Da" is funny. Like Tolstoy's "Da Death of Ivan Ilyitch."
That's funny. "Tha Cherry Orchard" by Anton Chekov, that's just dumb.
It's like, too much warped anti-social capitalist garbage for you, young man.
A chick would never use "tha". She might use "da". If she
was cool. Not anal retentive like most chicks. "Da Song of Roland" Ha.
That's good.
You know what is totally the worst? You're working some shitty crap-hole retail
job, buying some asshole his yacht, some kumquat who would be fat if he didn't
have his own personal trainer to keep him trim so his trophy wife will fake it
for him. You're among co-workers, and you're having a gay old time hamming it
up, talking about some doofus customer or about how some co-worker just barely
squeaked by the dress code, and you'll make a simple little joke, and then they
turn on you with some single-celled amoeba homophobia comment. A co-worker might
say, "Hey girl, ya miss me last night? Cuz I'm dead sexy." And you'll
join in, all "It's true, he is. Ya gotta admit it." Then some lame ass
skank goes "Well, maybe YOU do, but we wonder about you." Fuck you,
bitch. That makes me wanna just snap. It was a joke. Get on the bus, you butt-ugly
tv-addict. And what if I was gay? A FAG? “Ooh, look at me, I like boys!
I like men. I like a hot man with a burning steel rod between his legs! Ooh, I
can imagine it in my ass. It feels so good, his whiskers on my thighs!”
Fuck. I want to let these magazine-fed titless paranoids cut me up all fag-bashing,
then let it slide to someone that I'm actually gay. That one co-worker that's
kind of alright. Tell her I'm a homosexual, and she'll spread it around, and then
we'll see what happens. They'll already dig me cuz I'm the life of the party,
cuz I let them have their brain-dead fun with cliché recycled toddler jokes,
cuz I'm the only one with any sack in the whole slaveship. Will they ice me? Will
they give up the water cooler beer ad jokes? If they do, they'll regret it, and
then they'll feel guilty. Then maybe later they'll apologize. Fuck that.
|
